I broke down and asked for help this week.
I’m calling it a break down because that is how it felt.
I’ve been feeling for awhile now that it would be helpful to have an objective, third party to work through some things with… to support me in processing emotions that I have difficulty accessing on my own, to hold space for me to explore and look at some things from different perspectives, and to help me connect with what I want (what I really want)… because I’m not sure I know right now.
Yes… I reached out and asked a former coach to support me to this end.
Surprisingly, it was hard.
I found myself dreading the phone call.
I was surprised by how much resistance I had.
I found myself telling this person that I thought I should be able to go it alone.
While I know better than to use the word should, I found it coming up a lot in our conversation (and in my head!).
I should know how to work through my emotions by now,
I should know how to see things in a different way,
I should know how to connect with what I want…
This is what I do for other people, so shouldn’t I be able to do it for myself?
Apparently not... but I am finding this difficult to swallow.
It feels scary to let someone in, to my world and my emotions.
I’m afraid of what they might think of me. I'm afraid I might get hurt. I'm afraid they may not be able to provide the kind of support I'm looking for right now.
Ultimately, I think I’m most afraid of what I might discover in the process.
I’ve done a lot of digging, but my sense of what’s left to uncover are things that are really core to me… things that would be really disorienting to let go.
Deep seated beliefs and assumptions that form my identity… even though I know they aren’t serving me anymore.
And… I don’t know if I’m ready to let them go.
Yes, I’m scared.
Fear tells me that it might be easier to hold on to them and continue operating under the status quo… I mean, my life is good right now… why should I rock the boat?
Who will I be without these things?
Yes… there is part of me that doesn’t want to move forward in this way.
But, there is a part of me that knows what's possible for me without these limiting beliefs and assumptions … and this is the part I chose to listen to when making the decision to ask for help.
This part of me knows I'm safe and that everything will be ok (even if I do get dismantled in the process!). This part of me knows that asking for help, and receiving it, is a very healthy, and mature thing to do😉. This part of me knows that there is something greater for me to experience on the other side of this. This part of me knows that there is more freedom possible for me... and wants that for me.
This part of me is not afraid.
So, I will focus on paying attention to this part of myself and not the fear based part of myself that can be really loud and distracting!
Yes, this is what I will try to focus on when the fear starts rising.
Because I know it will.
How about you? How are you with asking for help? How about receiving it?
In Ultimate Support of You!
PS I found myself feeling so much better after I had the call. I wondered why it can be so difficult to ask for help when it feels like such a relief after the fact. Must be my pride and arrogance working (against) me😉!