I’ve been married 8 years today.
In some ways, it feels like I’ve been married for a lifetime and in other ways, it feels like it just happened yesterday.
I remember how scared I was to get married.
My now husband and I had been together for about 6 years before we got married.
We were engaged for 5 years.
Our long engagement was partly due to me not wanting to plan a wedding, partly due to us both being in school at the time, but mostly (as I reflect on it now) a result of me being afraid… and listening to my fear.
I was afraid that I couldn’t be in a committed relationship with another human being.
I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to stay.
I was afraid that I would mess it up.
I was afraid that I would get hurt.
I was afraid that I would hurt my now husband.
I was afraid that other people would get hurt.
I was afraid that it would be too hard.
I was afraid that I didn’t have what it took to be married.
I was afraid that I couldn’t do it.
I was afraid that I was too messed up, too broken, too crazy, too emotional, too unstable, too much.
Yes… I was afraid that I was too much for another human being to handle.
Which is why I dragged my feet for as long as I could before jumping into the water.
So… what made me do it?
I realized that it was time to shit or get off the pot (parden my french but this is the best metaphor I have right now).
I realized that I would never likely have the clarity or certainty that I was looking for.
I realized that some things (ok… most things) in life are a risk.
I realized that I could spend my entire life waiting… and not really living.
I realized that learning comes through doing… and I really value learning.
So… I jumped.
And, it has been the single best decision that I have made in my life.
And… as a result, I learned how to swim.
It has not been easy.
There are times I thought (for sure) I would drown.
There have been many moments that I wanted to give up.
But… I stayed, and when I couldn’t stay… my husband stayed with me.
Yes, our commitment to each other and to our relationship has made all the difference.
When the going got tough… we stayed…. and then, we stayed some more?.
It hasn’t been (and still isn’t) pretty or graceful. In fact, it has been (and still is) quite messy at times.
But, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Staying is hard.
Staying showed me what is possible… for myself, for my husband, and for our marriage.
It’s hard for me to believe that I have the life I have today.
And to think… fear could have ruined this all for me.
How about you? How do you work with fear? What would be possible for you if you leaned into it and stayed?
If you find yourself wanting support to stay, I’d love to see if I can be a support to you.
In Ultimate Support of You!
PS While I do believe there is value in staying (and have experienced many incredible things as a result), I also know from my own experience that there can be value in leaving (and have experienced many incredible things as a result?). To stay or leave? That seems to be the question that I’m offering here. Here’s to trusting yourself and to jumping!
PSS I would love for you to stay and listen to the first episode of my podcast! You can check it out on my website, iTunes, or GooglePlay by clicking HERE. In this first episode, I interview Phil Gaimon, a retired professional road racing cyclist, author, youtuber, and KOM (King-of-the-mountain) record holder on Strava. Phil has created a life where he does more of what he wants (bike riding) and less of what he doesn’t want. Come join me and hear how Phil defines success and how he has created it on his own terms!